May is Mental Health Awareness Month. To be honest, I do not think statistics and news reports of suicides is what it takes to convince us that a catastrophic epidemic is upon us. Allowing the reality of this world’s darkness to not only penetrate your mind but to truly pierce your heart requires YOU to want to see the reality. But who wants to dwell on the horrible truths hiding behind the statistics? Literally, no one. It would be so much easier to let mental health be an epidemic for professionals, psychiatrists, social workers, and pharmaceutical companies to deal with. I am here to tell you that many of these professionals and that medications and therapies are without a doubt a huge part of my journey back to health, but they are not even close to being the biggest part.
To make a dent in the mental health epidemic, WE MUST CHANGE. You and me. Whether you have always struggled with a mental illness or you have never even been around someone who suffers (or at least, that’s what you think), all of us must work together to cultivate a community that provides grace, a safe place to fall and be vulnerable, encouragement and empowerment. A community that eliminates this common drive for perfection and the never-ending pressures of society. A community that listens with no judgement. A community that slows down enough to see the pain in each other’s eyes and experience the joy in one another’s triumphs. This type of community is possible when we come to this realization: we are all suffering recipients of His grace that are doing the best we can with what we have to survive in this world where obstacles of all shapes and sizes are constantly thrown our way. Read that one more time. It’s important:)
In theory, this type of community seems beautiful and a little too good to be true. It seems like an abstract concept, a sort of impossible utopia. If you know me personally, you know that I have this tendency to dream really big dreams. Perhaps, this is just another one of my crazy, big dreams, but I wholeheartedly believe that this dream is worth fighting for. Will you join me in fighting for this dream to become a reality, in creating a community that makes warriors out of weak, struggling recipients of grace?
I have learned a whole lot on this journey to healing. I have learned of my own brokenness as I have made huge mistakes that took me backwards leaps and bounds just to become more exhausted as I continue to stumble forwards. I have learned so much about myself and what I need to feel whole. I have learned from others and their reactions. So with my extremely limited expertise, I would like to share what I have learned in hopes to shed some light on how this dream of a community that creates warriors could become a reality.
To those in the midst of the darkness:
- Find your tribe and let them love you. Warriors CANNOT stand alone. Try it, and you will fall flat on your face (And let me tell you from experience, it is a whole lot harder to pick yourself back up when you are facing the scary battle of depression). Do not underestimate the battle that you are facing. There is power in numbers. But remember, quality over quantity. Find people you can trust and let them in. Let them see you. (They can’t see you if you are lying and hiding. So stop.) Let them love you. Give yourself grace. Vulnerability is no where close to easy, but having a tribe is the only way you will claim the victory over depression.
- Journal. If you are not the journaling-type, become that type. Every therapist will tell you to do it, so go ahead and purchase a cute notebook and some fun pens. Science has proven the benefits of journaling. I am a perfectionist, so my journals have always been formatted beautifully in the exact same ink. Then depression hit. Sometimes the only words I could manage to get on paper were 4-letter cuss words. Sometimes I couldn’t put things into words and I would draw. I am a horrible drawer. My journal is ugly now. Even if you can only put a few words down every few days, do it. Write it down. It helps.
- Take care of your physical body no matter what. I could go on and on about the physiological necessity of this, but I won’t. Exercise (outside if you can). Eat right. Practice self-care (even when you don’t care about yourself).
- You are never going to see the light at the end of the tunnel if you are not looking for it. Sometimes it just flickers in the distance; look down for a moment, and you might miss it. Ask people to help you hold your head up. Maybe this accountability looks like having a friend ask you every evening what you ate that day. Or maybe it looks like handing over all your self-harm tools to a trusted friend. You are exhausted and want to quit, so let others carry you when you just can’t. You have to want it, even if you don’t believe things will ever get better, let others believe for you until you can for yourself. Look for the light.
- There is a huge difference between surviving and getting through. Most coping mechanisms are instinctive ways to help us survive, but they are not advantageous for healing. Are your reactions to stressors just allowing you to survive or are they pushing you forward to a place of healing? Ask for advice and guidance when transforming your survival instincts into healthy, helpful coping skills.
To those with friends who are struggling:
- Depressed people don’t ask for help. They will not text when you they need you, no matter how many times you remind them to. It would take every ounce of courage to call for help in the middle of a panic attack. You cannot depend on them to reach out when they need you. People always say, “I wish I would have known how much they were struggling.” Struggling people are really good at hiding, so in their struggle, it is your turn to be the seeker. Ready, or not, here I come. I am going to come to you. I am going to text you and call you. I am going to find you in the darkness and JUST BE there with you.
- You may not be able to recognize the friend you thought you knew in this person who now has a diagnosis stamped across her forehead. That friend is silently begging for you to see her. She is not depression, or anxiety, or anorexia, or bipolar. Those are diseases; not identities. Love the friend you know, and help her see that she is still there.
- Your friend is a walking ball of shame, guilt, and insecurity. Whether she appears numb on the outside or not, she has a war raging within her. Be patient. She will say things she does not mean. Give grace, but do not give up on her. Your loving persistence is what fuels her inner-warrior.
- Your friend wants to isolate. Your friend wants to use any avenue she can to numb the pain. Take her outside, be spontaneous, go on adventures, and do things she loves to do (especially when she doesn’t want to).
- “I don’t know what to say. I can’t understand because I have never struggled like this.” Be honest. Talk when you need to, but mostly, just listen and be there. Ask questions. Provide a safe place for her to be vulnerable and seen. But know this, it is hard hanging out with people who are struggling, especially when you love those people deeply. It hurts your heart. Watching loved ones struggle is almost as hard as struggling yourself. Reward your courage and bravery by not carrying the weight alone. Share the burden in a confidential and healthy setting.
I have the word ‘warrior’ tattooed across my upper thigh. It is surrounded by scars inflicted by self-harm. I am ashamed of my scars. To me, they scream weakness. But they also remind me of the hell that I have been through, and my tattoo reminds me how I got through and how I continue to walk through it. I am a warrior. I have fought so hard. I have battle scars, but I am victorious. My tribe helped cultivate the warrior in me. Their grace. Their persistence. They grabbed my hand (sometimes forcefully) and walked with me in love. They saw ME in my darkness. Their love fueled my inner-warrior.
Let’s build a warrior-creating community and let our love be the fuel that carries our warriors to victory.
Beth, it takes courage to be open about your depression because so many people don’t understand depression or any other mental illnesses. I can listen to a patient describe their depression and fully understand. I can hear someone describe a panic attack and understand intellectually, but I have never had one and don’t want that experience. I know panic attacks are horrible because my patients describe them. I once asked another professional what someone feared after a panic attack and he said dying. I think the biggest fear is another panic attack. I have had many patients agree.
ReplyDeleteI think your warrior creating community is a good idea, but unrealistic. You speak from the experience of a unique family, great support system, and incredible faith. You have membership in a community that loves you. Even if you are away from home and in a strange place, you have access to that community.Many of the people that I see don’t have anything near that. They come from families that have only found fault and diminished them. Someone recently told me that her mother prayed that she was a tumor and not a fetus. When asked about her daughter’s strengths, she came up with, “She takes a beating well.”
I communicate a lot with texts. The main reason is that 90% or more of the calls I get are robo-calls and I don’t answer my phone unless I recognize a specially assigned ring tone. I get texts from patients who would never send that message to anyone but me. I see people who don’t trust anyone and hear things no one else has been told. These are people who couldn’t trust being in a warrior-creating community. You and I both know that faith, prayer, and reading the Bible can be part of coping with depression. It often takes more. The willingness to seek therapy and maybe even take medication is needed. Exercise and diet are important components.
You have people you can trust to see in your darkness. Your advocacy is important and a breath of fresh air. If you haven’t read Kym Klass’s book One More Day, I recommend it strongly. She is a former columnist who wrote for the Montgomery Advertiser. She wrote about her downward spiral after her sister’s suicide. It’s a courageous book that reveals far more trauma than the loss of a beloved sister; it’s very personal and revealing and she has warred against the stigma of mental illnesses. She also has a network of loving family and friends and is one of our board members at Samaritan Counseling Center.
Don’t get me wrong. I think every word you wrote has merit. My point is that many who suffer are far more isolated and even those who aren’t are afraid of telling anyone what is going on inside. Again, I admire and appreciate your courage.