Darkness

It began as what I would refer to as ‘spiritual warfare.’ I had just returned from Haiti and was beginning my second semester of college. At this point in my life, I had become extremely disciplined in spending time in the Word and in prayer. I have always been a pretty disciplined person and have always loved digging deep into His Word, so it became routine to wake up at 6am every morning to spend time with God. It was in these quiet mornings, before the sun had risen, that the Lord was speaking to me and pouring encouragement into me. And boy, did I need the encouragement. During the day, I was constantly combating these horrible lies with statements of truth; His Truth. Day in and day out, my mind was being flooded with so many lies. Lies about my worth, my adequacy, God’s power, His grace, etc.. And I had committed, in His strength, to fight these lies with the truth that He was whispering to me every morning. My mind, with a war raging inside, became exhausted, and it affected me physically. For the first time, I was taking naps during the day out of necessity. I was struggling to wake up for my 6 o’clock alarm every morning. I was mentally and physically exhausted. But I did not pay much attention to this exhaustion because perseverance has been modeled so well to me by people I have high respect for. And all college students take naps and oversleep and miss their 8am class, right?!

On one weekend home, my exhaustion had met its limit and cried out for my attention in the form of a panic attack. I was driving home on the interstate, and I lost all control. Crying uncontrollably, unable to catch my breath, fear overwhelming my mind in complete chaos, and hands held so tightly into fists banging on the steering wheel. I made it home somehow. But this was the beginning. Panic attacks soon became my normal. It is horrifying how quickly your mental health can deteriorate. This is when I should have reached out for professional help and asked my friends to walk with me, but I did not.

My freshman year was coming to an end, and I was going home for the summer at a complete loss of what the heck was happening to me. I was ‘too strong’ to be mentally ill. I was ‘too in love with God’ to resent Him for His lack of presence and peace. I had ‘too good of life filled with joy and a bright future’ to feel consumed by darkness and lost in hopelessness.

Anxiety and depression were winning and my desperate pleas for God’s presence or just a taste of His peace continued in vain. Depression strips you of your sense of worth, your joy, your strength, and your desire to push through. Depression replaces these things with fear, insecurity, weakness, exhaustion, confusion, and hopelessness. Depression manifests itself so differently in people, but for me, this is how I would summarize it: I had been running non-stop for years under the pressure I placed on myself, Satan began attacking my mind, and God did not claim victory - He remained quiet and distant. I felt betrayed. The Rock that I had built my foundation upon and to whom I clung to in storms was nowhere to be found in this storm that resembled hell for me. I was devastated and lost. My spiritual and mental health spiraled until I felt as if life was no longer worth living. At first, I just wanted to quit, in a very abstract sense. I felt as if I could not function any longer. Then the feelings intensified as panic attacks and dark holes of depression continued. I wanted to die. I wanted to die so very badly. Daydreams of tragic accidents turned into suicidal ideation.

I tried so very hard to execute my plan but I could not. My dad and I have always had a very close relationship. I consider him my best friend and the ultimate example of Jesus Christ in my life. In this moment when I was trying so hard, images of my father popped into my mind. I saw the devastation and heartbreak that he would experience if he lost me, and I could not do anything to hurt myself…

Less than 2 weeks later, I had quit my summer job and checked into an in-patient psychiatric hospital in Texas, where I would stay for the rest of the summer. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I reluctantly accepted my role as a psychiatric patient and began the long, exhausting journey to healing. I talked to my dad on my hospital-provided flip phone every day, and he flew out several times to visit me. He is a remarkable human being, and his unrelenting, unconditional love for me is one of the main reasons that I am here today.

I returned to school that fall, telling only one or two people what I had gone through that summer. I was stable but I was nowhere close to healing. Every single day was a battle. I used studying as an excuse to be alone and hide. I babysat more often to keep myself distracted. I volunteered at the Birmingham Humane Shelter because emotionally I needed the joy of dogs in my life. I faked the smiles. I hid the scars - the scars inflicted by self-harm, which became my unhealthy outlet for my emotions. I lied about going to church. I continued psychotherapy and met with spiritual mentors. I cursed at God, accepting that He had abandoned me and was far gone. I survived.

I want you to see how my depression developed and how it intensified. I want you to see the signs of how my behavior was changing. I want you to see that the downward spiral is fast and powerful once it begins. I want you to see the power of love that literally saved my life. I want you to see that I chose to battle this alone, and yes that made me stronger, but not as strong as I could have been had I let people see me and love me. I want you to see that people are so good at faking happiness. I will dive deeper into my spiritual struggles in another post and express what I wish I and others would have done during this time. My purpose in this post is for you to see. See the development and the severity of depression, and know that no one should fight these daily battles alone! Don’t do it, and don’t let the people you love do it!!!! Look for the signs of changes in mental health that people are so good at hiding. I was so good at hiding!!! It became second nature to me to hide my struggles because I could not stand to place that burden on people I loved so dearly. It is hard work loving someone with a mental illness, but know that the difficulty faced in loving them could literally save them. I truly believe that love is the most powerful force in this world!!