An Invitation

This is the hardest part. Where to start. I have been working on this blog for way too long. Nothing I write seems right. I have a story to share but I am lost on how to begin this journey of putting it out there. Where do you start when the last few years have been covered in brokenness and darkness? For far too long, I have been surrounded by darkness, completely drowning in it. And now, I see, for the first time in a long time, a light at the end of the tunnel; a flicker of hope. I have this deep desire in my heart to dance in the light; to run victoriously to the freedom that the light offers. But my feet seem stuck. They are stuck to the comfort that I have established here in the dark. The comfort of solitude and going at it alone. The comfort of knowing that I can’t be hurt if I keep people at arm’s length. The comfort of knowing that letting my independence reign prevents me from depending on others and then being let down. The comfort of knowing that I am not a burden to anyone else if they only see my strength and my eagerness to be available for them in their struggle. The comfort of remaining hidden in shame instead of braving vulnerable territories. I have remained trapped by my own fear. I have cowardly chosen to remain hidden; to not let people see me and my open wounds. I let shame, fear, and pride win. These powerful forces have ruled my life for several years, and in the midst of these daily defeats, I lost myself. I lost my ability to differentiate truth from the array of lies that Satan was constantly flinging my way. And I broke. The depths of the darkness that had become my reality blinded me from so many things; things that I am still learning to see and recognize as truth. The past few years hold a lot of brokenness, trauma, and seemlessly never-ending battles for me. I made terrible mistakes along the way and I wrestled with God like I never have before. My vision clouded by my pain, I chose to keep all of these things to myself, entrusting very few with my truth.

But now, with that bright light at the end of the tunnel, with the scars that are replacing those fresh wounds, and with a desire to dance victoriously, I want to invite you in. I want to invite you in to my story not to look at me but to see Him. Because I am choosing to believe that God is faithful in every way. So this is my invitation - my invitation to witness this gruesome fight for freedom. This invitation is my bold statement of expectancy. I am expecting the Lord to perform incredible acts of mercy and display His glorious sovereignty, and I do not want you to miss it. I am expecting it to be grand and miraculous because I know the depths of my weakness and brokenness far too well. It would be far easier to share my story once victory had been claimed, but I believe there is power in joining me in my unfinished story. Because I cannot claim this victory alone. I need your support and accountability.

In the next few posts of this blog, I will be sharing my story. I am not so good with sharing my feelings and emotions, so I have always found comfort in establishing analogies and parallels for what I am going through. Immense comfort comes when I can find these connections with Biblical characters and stories.In this season, those have been the resurrection stories of Lazarus and Jesus, as well as the Israelites in the wilderness in hopes of reaching the Promised Land. Jesus did not come to Lazarus in his time of sickness and need to prevent his death, but instead, performed a miracle of raising the dead. The Israelites were freed from captivity, yet fought daily to believe that God was truly almighty. They remained in the wilderness for 40 years until their belief carried them to the Promised Land. I invite you to read my story, learn from mistakes, and witness my resurrection story, because I am choosing to believe that He is the resurrection and the life and He can do what He says He can do. I am stepping forward to find the Promised Land, where His love pours out wildly and His mercy brings unending joy.

Before I put my story into words, I want to say that some may be hurt or offended that I never shared with you what I have been going through. Please know, that my lack of letting you in has nothing to do with your value in my life. Soooo many people have loved me so well and have aided healing without knowing that I was struggling at all. It was not that I thought you were unworthy or not trustworthy, it was my shame, my pride, and Satan’s lies that kept me silent. But I am beyond thankful for the people who have walked alongside me through this journey, whether you knew you were or not.